For someone who hates change and instability, I do a great job of getting into situations that are all but certain.
Firstly my professional career is currently on hold; I would give anything for a boring, make my way to the office, to the same desk, the same team, for a 9-5 paperwork job. Instead I’m studying for an exam that I may or may not pass, that may or may not add to my CV the x-factor that it is currently lacking. [*I say this sounding quite unambitious but once I start my 9-5 I have enough determination to take over the world*].
Back to instability.. More importantly and interestingly, having so far experienced, felt and tasted a quarter of a century, I have never had a serious long-term relationship, not for lack of trying of course. Thus the mess label.
I do believe there are 2 classifications of girls; those who go from one boyfriend to the next, with or without unnecessary drama, like automatic destiny. It sort of happens for them. Maybe its a type thing, their type is the committed, all in or nothing, full-time boyfriend. Maybe these girls won’t accept anything less than that high threshold. (I am aware that I am making highly broad generalisations, so lets imagine that men can do nothing wrong and words like cheat, lie and screw up in other ways, don’t exist in these wonderful relationships.)
Don’t get me wrong I’m not suggesting being in a relationship is the be all and end all to a fabulous future, but when everyone around you seems to be getting hitched you wonder why am I still in that second category?
Which brings me to the likes of me, a self-conscious, too easily settling, scared of committment but romantic idealist hot mess. My type? A shoulder shrugging I know I do this to myself list of ‘think they are the shit’, boys. The guys in my life have usually been variations of not good for me egotistic, ADD prone, mind game playing boys, rocking the ‘don’t know what they want’ syndrome. And my most recent crush, although I can’t blame the poor boy, a twenty-two year old, pubescent can’t plan dinner let alone dress himself, wannabe eminem. Really when it comes down to it, no matter the age, they all collectively can’t imagine unselfishly giving to or doing for, one person, consecutively for longer than two months.
Of course the demands of society that a man should provide for his family is a pretty tough request.
And of course, it’s not their fault that I fall for the immature studs of this world. That I chase instability when I can’t emotionally deal with it.
I can’t blame them when I myself push away the right types. The one’s who drop everything to take me for cheesecake on the other side of town at my favourite little cafe, listen to my ramblings and over analysis during unnecessary emotionally upsetting days, and declare that if it wasn’t obvious, they would give the world to me, if I let them.
Basically I can’t love the type that loves me first and last and always.
Rather I seem to only want the ones that stop wanting me.
I’m not asking for too much by waiting for all aforementioned types to chase me eternally, am I? Of course a highly promising solution.