… Words I Never Said (day 66)

DAY 1. 
DAY 7. 
DAY 14. 
DAY 16. 
DAY 21. 
DAY 28. 
DAY 41. & DAY 60. 
DAY 65.

DAY 66: Hitting The Edge – That point where pride is still intact, but where walking away was necessary to give Mr December time to think and reconsider. [I’ve never been any good at the, walking away to preserve the memory of the good times, so I can only imagine the process of it.]

“What are you like?”, she spat it out, exasperated.

It wasn’t the time spent or effort wasted that annoyed Miss Mess, those moments of intense feeling made her so alive, that it didn’t bother her that she always put in all of her. Rather it was the sense of failure as a result of the overwhelming disappointment. Knowing that despite his intelligence, Mr December would never be thoughtful or unselfish enough for her to stay with him. Finally she had reached that point where she had to accept that this is how things were to be; and she couldn’t change him, couldn’t bring back that person he used to be. How could she when he had closed himself off from any such memory, and in the assessment of risk this was one he wasn’t willing to take.

Despite wanting to shut her eyes, turn around and walk away, knowing that her words would be useless in the circumstance, Miss Mess kept her ground and tried to explain herself. To say the words that needed to be said for her peace of mind.

“If I say let’s be friends you say fine, if I say I don’t want friendship your fine with that too. If I want to just fuck, of course you’ll be like that’s fine by me; but know that actions speak louder than words babe. Even if you don’t pick up on these things.”

“What the fuck are you talking about?” knowing that this way she’d try to defend herself instead of attacking him.

Miss Mess maintained her stand and tried to keep calm, instead of screaming profanity at him, which he was asking for really with that attitude.

“Do you not see how your actions suggest you don’t care or are you gonna tell me this is just the way you are; that you’re not acting any differently. I may not be clear as to what exactly I want, but your fucking clear on how low your bar is. And if I wanted the idea rather than the real thing I wouldn’t need you to delude myself.”

“What? Wait, I don’t see where this is coming from”, confusing and complicating the subject matter always helps. At the same time it meant that he didn’t have to think about what she had just said.

“Fine. Whatever.”

She took a deep breath, searched the eyes that she had grown to know so well and continued her last attempt to keep calm in the situation. “In your own time, once you realise how you acted at the beginning is very different to you now, come speak to me. Otherwise screw this shit, your character now is so not what I’m looking for. I don’t see why I should ‘relax’ and be involved in something that doesn’t make me happy.”

She needed to stop this, leave him to address it in his own time. Truthfully Miss Mess needed to find someone who was good enough for her rather than settling for things that didn’t make her happy enough. But accepting complete ending was something she never managed to achieve.

She had a point, and he understood. But Mr December just couldn’t bring himself to give her his all. He’d failed before and wasn’t about to attempt again.

It had hit him that he would lose her, in the process of him dealing with his insecurities, she would have long forgotten. How could he expect otherwise, she had surprised him thus far, sticking around till now. It was this genuine sweetness within her he adored and sometimes couldn’t understand it, those times he ended up not appreciating it. Really he ended up not appreciating her. She did make him great, so good to be around. Oh well they weren’t meant to be.

Miss Mess



About iheartmess

A Middle Eastern Londoner 20-something living the 'western' life in between London and home.
This entry was posted in dating, Mr December, Some ppl are just shit and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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