colouring in your secrets with new shades of arrogance

Eyes depleted, blinking fast, breath held in.

She was shocked by what she was just told.

Turning her head away, closing her eyes, she willed the image out of her mind. Every pounding part of her shook its head and negated any truth in the published comment.

‘I know him, I asked him, he said he hadn’t,’ she repeated to herself.

She would have known about it, she could read his eyes. Even though its certainty and confirmation were laid down for her, part of her latched onto the hope that he wasn’t doing anything behind her back, he never did anything that would affect her behind her back. She had wronged others, when things were shaky in her past. She had probably done and been worse. But she had been a mess and in shivering tears, he knew that side of her before anything.

And now your asking me- “Are you mad at me?”
“God, of course I’m mad. Who do you think I am, actually who do you think you are! Your arrogance has horrified me and I’ve had enough. I’m trying to stop wanting you to do and be, a certain way, to show me you care more than those Friday night affairs.”

The brazen self-importance and overlapping girls churned her insides. This, with her… when she took a deep breath and really thought about it, she felt sick. She had to swallow her nerves and briskly wave off any thought of his arms on her bare skin. Seeing him that day made her shudder from the memory, small things made her squint and tense her shoulders as she felt the heart-wrenching cloak of the aftermath.

… These days, I know why we never talked, and still don’t talk. Why I have to hear about things and hate you in my mind. You’re scared I’ll ask you questions, and caught in the moment, your head on my lap, you’ll answer. You have more secrets you’re trying to hide than I even have to reveal, and in my unschooled manner I’d be happy to tell you them all.

Of course nowadays I will never share the fragments freely, if it doesn’t someday fall out of my crumbled mind; you lost my trust, turned it around and crushed all that once unfaltering emotion.

Miss Mess

xoxo

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About iheartmess

A Middle Eastern Londoner 20-something living the 'western' life in between London and home.
This entry was posted in Fears, Secrets and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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