I was born the day you kissed me and I died inside the day you left me

“Did you really mean that? Am I hurting you that much?”
He stared into space, ignoring her silly question.

“Then why don’t you say something?”
She was about to shake him out of his reverie, make him articulate the phrase in the subject out loud.

“Like you said, it’s not all up to me. So if lasting forever isn’t up to me, stopping shouldn’t be up to me either. We talk about my lack of self-esteem but could you please for once initiate your confidence in this rel.., in this arrangement that we have.”

My subconscious, my friends, common sense tell me to put myself out of those situations. To stop wanting to be close to him so I don’t find some easy reason to melt into his arms.

“You don’t know, but to all eyes I may have moved on, if you take a peak through your designer shades you’ll see the truth in my weakness for you”.

The devil always wins, the power of my ego and desires supersede any prior resolve…I do, I go to the places where I may see or remember you, put myself through actions that may make me message or talk to you. I go to dinner across from your office. I spend a day at the Spa, knowing you may hear I was there. I falter in my step and ask you provocatively “stay and do what?”. I try to make you laugh in a message, whilst I sit on my hands jittering for your reaction.

You’ve touched me so deeply, still it’s heartwrenching to watch myself take five steps back into the abyss of weakness.

Miss Mess

xoxo

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About iheartmess

A Middle Eastern Londoner 20-something living the 'western' life in between London and home.
This entry was posted in Fears and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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