one of the many people i’ve loved

When did you start? When did you realise how you really felt?

Was it that day? Was it London? Paris? Dubai? When I moved away?

I remember moments, their happenings quite insignificant but so clear in my memory because of the power of your silence. The emotions I felt within those few minutes had an overpowering totality. It was before anything, it was just sweet words on the beach to tell you how I appreciated your friendship, or it was seeing you and knowing you were making an extra effort just for me. It was all those things you did seemingly without meaning to that did make me feel special. It’s those little words; big actions that made me love you. But I really didn’t know at the time. I just basked in it all to get me through my days.

Do I know it now? Yes. Now that they’ve stopped? I’m sure of it.

But because we are in such different places in our lives, yes geographically but also around different people, clashing routines, so far emotionally from each other than we have ever been, it’s hard to smile next to you.

Some moments are painful in my memory as your foundations I have trouble with. You have the same right to think that about me, as clearly you have done so, compiled a list, reread it. Your silence in solving our hearts is too cold and bluntly uncaring. Your back-offish compliant nature to things said to me comes across cowardly. And although, it’s none of my business who you are with, I can’t help but feel insulted.

I don’t know where we’ll be by next year, I don’t know if either of us will make the effort to save a windswept, ashen, new-found friendship. I feel like the dust has settled and we just are; equally too scared to hurt even more.

I loved you, I still do. I need you to know this. I’m here if ever you decide to come back, I’m here if you want me to be.

Miss Mess

xoxo

About iheartmess

Dear Girls (and Boys!), Boys will hurt you, a lot of them. You'll feel like your heart is breaking at age 12, at 16, and then properly at 21 and then really at 26. When it breaks again before you are 30, that will be the real one, wait for it, every single one is everything, and nothing. It’s all great and terrible, it’s all worth it...
This entry was posted in Friends and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to one of the many people i’ve loved

  1. Wishing you lots of love and happiness in your life 🙂

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s