This anger has circled back and now smoked my heart

I needed someone to defy our society for me.

I didn’t doubt how you felt or think I needed to change for you.

It was never about you, yet always all about you.

I sat across from you, eyes closed, asked you if this is what you really wanted. If you could make me one of the most important things in your life. How terribly sad that I had to ask you, if you could do it. That I actually spent time thinking about asking you, to feel that I am important.

I do, I still hate you, it’s not a big part of my heart, but it’s there. Nothing you did would have made me act any different, nothing less nothing more. I just really wanted to be with someone, and maybe you were the only one in my reach, but over those days I really wanted to be with you.

Looking back, I wish I will never be that cowardly again in the future. I wish I won’t just fight and fight for the ideas of an intrepid relationship.

I want to remember to be tougher. Not just mentally and in my heart. But when our paths cross. I want to remember to disrespect you, to not give you a second of my time. It’s the only way I’ll learn. I did everything better than you. I got less and gave you more. Though I wouldn’t let myself see it like that, or anyone else for that matter. In every other sentence I ever spoke about you, I would insist that you’re a good person, actually a great person. You are this and you do that. But you showed me there is nothing great in lighting someone’s fire and leaving them to embers in the, empty, cold nights.

I don’t regret it. I don’t regret it cuz I never thought I did anything wrong. I loved you. Ofcourse the feelings wouldn’t have died. But you came back, when you shouldn’t have. You should have left it, the first, and when not, the second time. How did you think and think for 9 months and decide to come back knowing you would leave again? How did you?

I hope I don’t feel this again, ever, but I hope you burn for it.

Miss Mess

xoxo

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About iheartmess

A Middle Eastern Londoner 20-something living the 'western' life in between London and home.
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