my brain can’t unsee what it sees in this field of transition

I wonder if I’m over him.

I Always think about him, I mean I used to Always think about him. Every highway, every lyric, every sun ray. But now some days, I don’t think about him at All. Strangely, like today, a lot more than most days, he’s not on my mind at All.

Out of habit and loneliness, I make myself reread what I’ve written about him, what I’ve written to him. I wonder if I’m trying to remind myself of what I’ve had. What he has given me and what he took away. I wonder if I’m trying to resurrect feelings because I feel numb and careless these days. Most days.

If I close my eyes   ,   empty my mind   ,   look into the darkness,   I feel it in my chest, the corner of my heart holds him.   There is no beat,   it’s just there.

It’s his.

There’s no guilt, that I think about other guys. There’s no pain, that he’s no longer in my life. There is sadness that I have no one, but not that I don’t have him. No more sadness for him.

I wonder if This is acceptance.

Miss Mess

xoxo

About iheartmess

Dear Girls (and Boys!), Boys will hurt you, a lot of them. You'll feel like your heart is breaking at age 12, at 16, and then properly at 21 and then really at 26. When it breaks again before you are 30, that will be the real one, wait for it, every single one is everything, and nothing. It’s all great and terrible, it’s all worth it...
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