my brain can’t unsee what it sees in this field of transition

I wonder if I’m over him.

I Always think about him, I mean I used to Always think about him. Every highway, every lyric, every sun ray. But now some days, I don’t think about him at All. Strangely, like today, a lot more than most days, he’s not on my mind at All.

Out of habit and loneliness, I make myself reread what I’ve written about him, what I’ve written to him. I wonder if I’m trying to remind myself of what I’ve had. What he has given me and what he took away. I wonder if I’m trying to resurrect feelings because I feel numb and careless these days. Most days.

If I close my eyes   ,   empty my mind   ,   look into the darkness,   I feel it in my chest, the corner of my heart holds him.   There is no beat,   it’s just there.

It’s his.

There’s no guilt, that I think about other guys. There’s no pain, that he’s no longer in my life. There is sadness that I have no one, but not that I don’t have him. No more sadness for him.

I wonder if This is acceptance.

Miss Mess



About iheartmess

A Middle Eastern Londoner 20-something living the 'western' life in between London and home.
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