1. Clarity – I left yoga feeling so clear about breaking up with you. About the decision I finally made. What I should do. The words I should use. Finally clear about what I needed and how unaligned we were. How okay it would all be. We were different people, different times. Walking boldly back, nodding to myself, it rang so true, in my mind and heart combined.
2. Clingy – It took exactly two weeks to feel everything, to realize my actions, to doubt my actions, to revel in shame and personal hatred, over and over and over again. I desperately wanted him back. Clumsy, losing, begging, creating scenarios in my head. Needing the attachment, closeness, his touch, so excruciatingly bad that I messaged him and begged him to sleep with me. Told him I missed him. Liked his messages. Made feeble attempts to be with him again. There was no space to do nothing, there was only space to act on it.
Whisper to myself, over and over, to no avail, “Remember your value. Remember your value.”
3. Crying – I found his new song online and listened to it. I wouldn’t normally like the tune, but I adored it. I imagined he was listening to it at the same time as I was listening to it. As if we had a bond. As if we were so in tune. Imagined the words were about me. Thoughts, and feelings of despair: why didn’t he love me. Tears trickled down my face because of the sadness I felt inside. Tears, lots and lots of tears.
4. Cold – I feel nothing. Memories of him seem unreal, someone else’s. Within me there is nothing. No sadness, not happy, not angry, just numb, and careless. Who are you? Why did I care? Will I ever care again?
5. Care again – much time passed, and I thought I forgot, I thought I’m okay, I accepted it, he was not for me; but then I saw a picture of his new girl. Not the main blonde one, with her I didn’t have insecurities. The cute, little new one, the one that took my place. The one that looks carefree and fun and unlike me. Oh, fuck me.