I really don’t want to put you on here

I tried to tell him we needed to stop. We needed to break up. I tried to tell him, “I’m in my thirties, we can’t keep acting like teenagers. Jumping into bed at all hours of the day. Really, we have to end it, clean slate. No more baby, no more weekends. This is it. There’s nothing we can do but avoid each other.”

I stood in his arms, palms covering my face, my tears streaming uncontrollably.

He said he wouldn’t let that happen, he said, “you can try, but I won’t let you avoid me.”

He stood facing me, grounded, keeping his arms right on my waist, looking into my eyes softly.

That has never happened to me, I have never had anyone, ever, try to be with me like that before.

I don’t know how I felt it, I just knew it was eventually going to feel like shards of glass, for the both of us. I knew he felt so sad for me. I felt his sadness pierce my heart. And I could tell he was being so strong, he was holding it together, just for me. In that moment, truly, just so my tears would stop.

What’s more is, I could feel he wanted to cry,  I knew he was battling so much himself, but I don’t know why he felt like he needed to comfort me; more than any guy I’d ever been with. More than I’d ever received.

I’m sorry I show you my vulnerabilities. I’m sorry I tell you things about me. I know it all only makes you want to protect me more, help me more. Make you fall for me even more.

I’m sorry. It’s the biggest fight, it’s the toughest choice. I want to spend days with you and nights with you, but I don’t know if, in the end I want to be with you.

I hid my face behind my hair, head down, I let my tears fall. It was too dark in his room anyway. My soul didn’t show through anyway.

Miss Mess

xoxo

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Dear Human,

“You didn’t come here to be perfect. You already are. You came here to be gorgeously human. Flawed and fabulous. And then to rise again into remembering. But unconditional love? Stop telling that story. Love, in truth, doesn’t need any other adjectives. It doesn’t require modifiers. It doesn’t require the condition of perfection. It only asks that you show up. And do your best. That you stay present and feel fully. That you shine and fly and laugh and cry and hurt and heal and fall and get back up and play and work and live and die as you. It’s enough. It’s plenty.”

– Courtney A. Walsh

He and I both showed up, everyday. And that is plenty. I hope I always have plenty.

Miss Mess

xoxo

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In his heart

“Say you love me.”

“What?”

“Just say you love me, I know you won’t mean it, I just want to hear you say it to me.”

My heart broke exponentially, my voice cracked, “I love feeling you…” I stopped and searched his eyes with mine..  “I love you baby.”

 

It’s not that I don’t, and it’s not that I do. I feel something, I feel more than something. He has a place that only beats for him. It’s warm and giddy and constant, but it’s on the side of my heart. It’s on the edge. It’s because, I never let him in fully.

Well, I couldn’t, because at the beginning, he was a reminder of the one before him. He was a lesson I had already learnt. He was completely different to my ex, but strangely so reminiscent: one of three boys, from the same country, with the same exact initials.

And okay, it might have been a coincidence. Soon I knew he was nothing like those before him. One week in, I was falling for him. But still I couldn’t let him in fully. In the forefront of my mind all I wanted was to impress my family. Even whilst in the middle of his deep affections, I was worried I couldn’t bring him to impress them. Subsumed by his attention and consistency, I shut it down and only saw our differences. I saw our families. And I saw all the fights I would lose. And I saw the battles we would endure.

I watched him look intently into my eyes, I watched him wipe the corner of his right eye. I felt him call me beautiful. I felt him look at me with so much passion every time I turned to walk away.

I close my eyes and still remember his hands pressing into mine, his eyes gleaming softly into mine.

Honestly, his was a different kind of love. Honest, open, understanding. Minus the turbulence, minus the games, minus any cowardice. Unlike all the shit I knew so well. He was determined, caring and forever mine.

And it’s not that he wasn’t in my heart, it’s just that I had a place in his where I didn’t belong.

Miss Mess

xoxo

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“I’ll do whatever you want baby”

Now, I’m pushing and pushing him away. Unplanned he was leaving Palo Alto and I was driving that way. Unplanned he kept comforting me and I kept pushing him away. I know, one day, this will come back and break my … Continue reading

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Wanna go away with me baby?

“I can’t come with you to Vegas,” she said, matter of fact.

“Baby, why? Please.” He reached out for her hand, eyes somber, yet like his usual self, glimmering and hopeful.

“Because every time I go, I make out with someone. If I’m there I’ll want to make out with someone. You really don’t know me, I’ll ditch you when we’re there.” She was being so honest with him, about her past and her habits, it was odd for her.

“You’ve made out with random people?” As if that was the problem, he couldn’t care less who she had made out with before. She was with him now. But the problem was she didn’t think she was with him now. That she was his, like he was hers.

“Haven’t you ever?”

“Ya, obviously. But baby, I’ll be there, make out with me.” He reached and squeezed her hands.

“I don’t know, you don’t know me. And I don’t know your friends. I don’t know.”

Well he knew her, more than she thought. And they went to Vegas for the weekend, and she only made out with him. She only wanted to make out with him. And ofcourse his friends loved her. And theirs was the most healthy relationship ever.

Miss Mess

xoxo

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You’re too good to me

I haven’t had it before. None of this. None of him.

I know why he came into my life– despite my initial reservations, and common classifications and rivers of fear. For the first time ever, I have someone who is purely, unashamedly good to me. Too good to me.

I acknowledge now what I deserve. I understand what I need. I know I’ll no longer be with just anyone, no longer be with those kids who don’t treat me right. I can only be with someone like him. Someone who calls me, calls me back, tries to see me, doesn’t disappear, he never disappears. Who is so constant, and kind and thoughtful. From day one. Who tells me we are so compatible, so similar. And his words are always so right. Who stays even when I push him away. When I tell him we should be realistic. When I tell him we won’t work out. Who still tries to be with me. Who listens and doesn’t force me. Who looks at me with awe, and wants me at every step, and makes me so comfortable when he’s around me. Who sees only the good in me, even when I do things the wrong way. Who teaches me how to be better, how to do better. Who makes me aim so high, makes me chase my dreams. Who has taught me so much about decency, and humans and relationships. Just by being with me. And being so good to me.

I am so thankful for that. And for him. So grateful, for him.

I once told him, “You know when we see each other on a new day, its awkward between us, maybe we aren’t so compatible, maybe it isn’t so natural for us.”

He ran his fingers through his hair and shook his head, “It’s me, I’m likely making it awkward. It’s just when I see you, I don’t know what to do with my hands, and I know you don’t want me to put my arms around you, just yet.”

It took me two decades and countless jerks to find him.

And now I found him. Finally, I found him.

Miss Mess

xoxo

 

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New city, New boys

From day one, liking you really threw me off. Three years after that first day, when I never thought of you again, suddenly here you are. Here you are with me.

In this new city, with rooms and rooms full of a different crowd, unknowns and reintroduced faces and so, so many new people, I found myself with you weekends after weekends.

I would join you and your friends, eventually leave but soon after want to plan to see you again. Plan so you can make me smile again. I was so comfortable seeing you, again and again. Every time, I would gladly come out and join you. And you would always ask me to join. Always keep your arm close, your self close. Always look, check and ask if I was okay.

and now, its been all but two days. i miss you exponentially.

you are on my mind incessantly.

Cuz I forgot to tell you how much I vibe with you.

And let me tell you that your text is the smile of my day.

And by the way, you say things exactly how I want them to be said. And how do you know, to say exactly what I want to hear.

And even unrelated things–your housekeeper called me apologising that you gave her my number some time ago. She just said your name, I just heard your name, and nothing else after, and really it just made my day.

Miss Mess

xoxo

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