New city, New boys

From day one, liking you really threw me off. Three years after that first day, when I never thought of you again, suddenly here you are. Here you are with me.

In this new city, with rooms and rooms full of a different crowd, unknowns and reintroduced faces and so, so many new people, I found myself with you weekends after weekends.

I would join you and your friends, eventually leave but soon after want to plan to see you again. Plan so you can make me smile again. I was so comfortable seeing you, again and again. Every time, I would gladly come out and join you. And you would always ask me to join. Always keep your arm close, your self close. Always look, check and ask if I was okay.

and now, its been all but two days. i miss you exponentially.

you are on my mind incessantly.

Cuz I forgot to tell you how much I vibe with you.

And let me tell you that your text is the smile of my day.

And by the way, you say things exactly how I want them to be said. And how do you know, to say exactly what I want to hear.

And even unrelated things–your housekeeper called me apologising that you gave her my number some time ago. She just said your name, I just heard your name, and nothing else after, and really it just made my day.

Miss Mess

xoxo

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In his book …

I read the chapter in his book about him falling in love with a beautiful Tibetan-Indian. About their passionate love making. About his weaknesses and vulnerabilities for her. Unlike all the other chapters, this was very well written. It felt so real and so powerful. I couldn’t stop reading. I shook my head and told myself to put the book down, that I shouldn’t continue, that I was reading into pain I didn’t need. But of course I didn’t stop, I kept turning the pages. I was angry – and – sad – and – defensive. All of those emotions. I felt the stings physically as if I was tumbling, rolling, in free fall against jagged rocks.

So instead and to distract myself from those unexpected emotions, I concentrated on his sorrow. I started to feel the weight of his problems on my shoulders. The weight of all he felt in his soul, the fight between living a typical life and discovering depths and oceans of more.

By this point, I couldn’t stop the tears from rolling freely down my face. I unconsciously took all his experiences and felt like I had to compartmentalise them, individually separate them. Learn them. His triumphs and miseries. His compassionate lovers and empty loves. Just so I could figure all of him out from those 10 pages. As if this would guide his journey. Help him find himself.

And in that same moment, drowning in emotions that were not even mine, I was so worried about the future. I was so worried about what him and I had in store. My head was pounding with patience for him and weakness for myself. This chapter was hard.

I flipped another page, and the tears continued. I had too many opinions, about who he was: brash, spontaneous, in search of so much unknowns, and who I was. And how serious and emotionally hidden I was.

It was a real battle, not caring has always been my battle. Stopping my thoughts, objective again, I ran my finger along the spine of his book, and continued to read those pages of his truth.

Miss Mess

xoxo

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Ambition Baby

I like him, on paper, his profile, everything people said about him. Especially because he has that face that will grow old so handsome. But of course we were missing something. We began to lack something. I think what it was, was an inner depth.

I didn’t know his goals or dreams and well he didn’t know any of mine either. I knew he sought happiness, balance and purpose. But I didn’t know what that all was for him. I knew he wanted spontaneity, a little midnight excitement, a lot of wit. And I wanted to give it to him, all of it, all of me; but I didn’t feel the comfort or the butterflies like before. The openness, the anticipation. Now that we were face to face, I didn’t feel that if he stopped, glanced up, he’d see through me.

And honestly I was never able to express my big, extravagant, open ended dreams to anyone .. let alone him. Only those close to me saw it, unbeknown to me, they saw it. I think because they watched the process of my life, the effort in my steps, my character towards others. They saw the person I was. I’m not sure if he saw the person I was. The ambition, the morality and the fear. I don’t know if he even cared to see any of that.

Miss Mess

xoxo

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Be Brave.

I am so scared of tomorrow, so scared of the work that I need to put in to get to my dreams.  Or what if all that work means nothing, gets me nowhere. How can I fall asleep knowing I can’t control my destiny. That maybe these big dreams were never mine to be had. That maybe big things are not in my plans.

I’m trying to be brave, I’m trying so hard to be brave.

How can I think of the future, or reach for it, or successfully plan it when I’m terrified of it. I’m terrified of the one mapped out for me. I’m so convolutely against the fights, the sadness, the weakness, I don’t want it to happen for me. I don’t want it to happen to me.

And what of this emptiness I feel. Those night flashes of a soulmate, friendship, forever. In the midst of so much going on, so many people, I’m lonely here. Well this loneliness hurts less than it does there but numbs nonetheless.

Hmm. Just be brave. Be really really brave.

Miss Mess

xoxo

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Round 29

Loneliness is a fucking bitch.

Miss Mess

xoxo

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These Ex of mine

I never knew where he stood and what he thought about it. About my actions and reactions, and fights and battles.

About all that made me small in life, all that made me weak and negative and in search of attention and validation.

I never let him pass judgment on the issues, never paused to listen if he had opinions. I didn’t want him to be part of it, I didn’t want him to see the depth of my inner torture.

And ofcourse he felt glimpses of it, me utterly broken – or ferociously angry – or predictably needy. But he left it unquestioned. He let me dwell on it, lose myself in it, on my own.

But this time, I wanna work through my problems and your problems. I want us to be so open, that it’s so terrifying it’s comforting. This time I’ll walk you through my dreamy, manic, kind, jagged brain, and wait for you to show me yours.

Miss Mess

xoxo

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here, take my number

“How was drinks yesterday? Hold up, what is it you’re looking so anxious about now?”

“I’m just worried I’m gonna mess this up. I’m gonna do something he doesn’t like, and he’ll hear about it and he won’t stay.”

“Do you think what you’re doing is wrong”

“Yes, I mean no. I mean probably.”

“In any case, don’t you believe it’s up to fate. Don’t you believe that if he were to leave you that easy you shouldn’t be with him anyway”

“I do. But I also know I need to change my habits.”

“Would you change your habits if he’s here?”

“Ofcourse, but is that enough?”

“Yes it’s enough. Well, would you switch back if he leaves temporarily”

“Probably.”

“Then you’re not ready for him. Then he hasn’t done enough for you to want him enough. You’ll stop doing anything and everything but him. Don’t you think? Hasn’t that happened in the past?”

“I guess.”

Miss Mess

xoxo

 

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