Tag Archives: bumble

Can you hear me?

We had been together for a little bit. You know, exchanged numbers, off bumble, one date in, lots of texts, and once a day FaceTimes. In that small space we had a level of knowing. Okay, I had a level … Continue reading

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Be still.

He was still there, in my fucking heart. I scrolled through my calendar to see how long it had been. I typed “surf lesson” in the search bar; that was the day after the last time I saw him, nearly … Continue reading

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First on SoundCloud

I was listening to my new guys music on soundcloud, whilst me ex was texting me, and another ex-from 10 years ago asked me what I’m doing tonight. Life has a way of consistently bringing everything I cared about to … Continue reading

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While he was in London

He whatsapped me a picture. I clicked and stared at it for a few seconds. It was a picture of him with a vitamin drip in his right arm, half his face cut off by the frame. It hurt, looking … Continue reading

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Learning to say I Love You

I may have said I love you, once, maybe twice, in our entire three years together. Near the end, because he started to feel like family, I would say “love you, bye!” You know, like when you hang up the … Continue reading

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Until you grow big enough to handle anything

I can handle anything. Truly, complicated negotiations, mortgage application, car lease, purchase of a home, name the task. I can step out the house and take on the world. Until I like you. Until I’m chatting to you and I … Continue reading

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Feel Something

On the 4th Sunday, in my empty bed, I hurt myself. I lay there, feeling drained and overpowered by a beating in my head. I was flooded by an urgent need to make myself see things, things that my eyes … Continue reading

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From lovers to friends

And today, this is what I wanted. This special kind of friendship. I may not have been able to ask for what I want, or make the decision out loud, but I knew how to guide it. To here. With … Continue reading

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Five steps of heartbreak

1. Clarity – I left yoga feeling so clear about breaking up with you. About the decision I finally made. What I should do. The words I should use. Finally clear about what I needed and how unaligned we were. … Continue reading

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The Big Stuff

Exactly at 9pm I walked into his friend’s newly opened bar. The neighbourhood was grungy but the bar was impressive, spacious, light wood, retractable ceilings. The group hadn’t arrived yet. Of course he was late to his own goodbye party. … Continue reading

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New Title: things my therapist said..

My therapist said, our relationships go to the core of our trauma, because we seek in our partners what we need and what we are searching for within ourselves. That blew my mind. I then told her I wanted to … Continue reading

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Am I jealous of your baby?

This one was hard to admit… I had a thought that made it clear to me that we shouldn’t be together. Loving him too much, hurt, not just me, but everything. Turns out when he sent me a picture of … Continue reading

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Break ups in cars with questions

This week has been difficult. And I know you would love to hear me tell you that. That I miss you. That I’ve needed to message you. That this shit is hard without you. Why do we need a reminder … Continue reading

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Going through and through and through our reckoning

I started to imagine we would have the most incredible, last night together. You moving out next Wednesday and our future over since last Thursday. In our fickle, forever relationship, I pictured one, last, fun, full of conversation night. I clung to the … Continue reading

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It felt mean, because I thought it was mean

Tonight was the worst. I felt like he punched me straight in my stomach. I had no idea who the girl was who answered his phone. It was unintentional. Poorly planned. Hours of partying, bathroom powder breaks. Unwinding of a … Continue reading

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This one is for you P

I’m having those thoughts again. Sad, lonely, empty heart, thoughts. Sad that he wasn’t the person for me. What I needed was consistency and daily connection. It was simple, I needed daily connection. When I finally understood he couldn’t give … Continue reading

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Lesson #4257: ask for what you want

How can you improve me? What can you teach me about life? Do you want to take this journey with me? What can you give me? What can you do for me? I want you to make me feel confident, … Continue reading

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Poetic Sadness

It was the strangest thing. Thinking about getting to the place where I would be okay, where I would no longer be sad, where I would move on from him, – made me cry. It made me inconsolable. Was it … Continue reading

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One Summer Wedding

They left the dance floor, went through the kitchen and took the hidden steps up to the expansive roof in the middle of downtown LA. It was completely empty when they got up there. It was still light out, the … Continue reading

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In my love story

Notes from January 2018 onward… I was so lonely. Especially if I was home alone, I would cry at various times. At night especially. I cried every night. I resisted messaging him at nighttime a while ago. I don’t know … Continue reading

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