Tag Archives: Diary

Can you hear me?

We had been together for a little bit. You know, exchanged numbers, off bumble, one date in, lots of texts, and once a day FaceTimes. In that small space we had a level of knowing. Okay, I had a level … Continue reading

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Be still.

He was still there, in my fucking heart. I scrolled through my calendar to see how long it had been. I typed “surf lesson” in the search bar; that was the day after the last time I saw him, nearly … Continue reading

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First on SoundCloud

I was listening to my new guys music on soundcloud, whilst me ex was texting me, and another ex-from 10 years ago asked me what I’m doing tonight. Life has a way of consistently bringing everything I cared about to … Continue reading

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While he was in London

He whatsapped me a picture. I clicked and stared at it for a few seconds. It was a picture of him with a vitamin drip in his right arm, half his face cut off by the frame. It hurt, looking … Continue reading

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Learning to say I Love You

I may have said I love you, once, maybe twice, in our entire three years together. Near the end, because he started to feel like family, I would say “love you, bye!” You know, like when you hang up the … Continue reading

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Feel Something

On the 4th Sunday, in my empty bed, I hurt myself. I lay there, feeling drained and overpowered by a beating in my head. I was flooded by an urgent need to make myself see things, things that my eyes … Continue reading

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The Big Stuff

Exactly at 9pm I walked into his friend’s newly opened bar. The neighbourhood was grungy but the bar was impressive, spacious, light wood, retractable ceilings. The group hadn’t arrived yet. Of course he was late to his own goodbye party. … Continue reading

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Am I jealous of your baby?

This one was hard to admit… I had a thought that made it clear to me that we shouldn’t be together. Loving him too much, hurt, not just me, but everything. Turns out when he sent me a picture of … Continue reading

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Break ups in cars with questions

This week has been difficult. And I know you would love to hear me tell you that. That I miss you. That I’ve needed to message you. That this shit is hard without you. Why do we need a reminder … Continue reading

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Going through and through and through our reckoning

I started to imagine we would have the most incredible, last night together. You moving out next Wednesday and our future over since last Thursday. In our fickle, forever relationship, I pictured one, last, fun, full of conversation night. I clung to the … Continue reading

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It felt mean, because I thought it was mean

Tonight was the worst. I felt like he punched me straight in my stomach. I had no idea who the girl was who answered his phone. It was unintentional. Poorly planned. Hours of partying, bathroom powder breaks. Unwinding of a … Continue reading

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Poetic Sadness

It was the strangest thing. Thinking about getting to the place where I would be okay, where I would no longer be sad, where I would move on from him, – made me cry. It made me inconsolable. Was it … Continue reading

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One Summer Wedding

They left the dance floor, went through the kitchen and took the hidden steps up to the expansive roof in the middle of downtown LA. It was completely empty when they got up there. It was still light out, the … Continue reading

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Does anyone else track dates?

On July 4, 2018, I lost my best friend. I made a decision that did not feel like it was me making it; I made the decision to stop. It was a hard time. Truely difficult. I had built this … Continue reading

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Are you ready to move on?

I pulled out my phone, opened up our text thread, tapped till I got all the way to the top, and once again read it through. This time, not to understand how we communicated, what I said to him, when … Continue reading

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I smelled like him, breeze, fog and disgust

It’s time. My mouth smelled like him. It wasn’t sexy or nostalgic or endearing this time. I left in the morning, sad that I had to feel what I did in order to understand it was time to end things. … Continue reading

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Never us against the world

Nothing could save us. Telephone calls, good mornings texts, multiple sunshine emojis, look into his eyes, back to back late night runs. We built too much distance between us. After so many nights away, so many conversations retained, Work trips, … Continue reading

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If you lose, I haven’t won

He was an incredibly smart person. Thorough, quick, logical. Anything he did, his mind was two steps ahead but still expansive enough to sufficiently consider his bases. But when it came to the ins and outs of our relationship he … Continue reading

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My karma – the heart that keeps breaking

wow. those few words just broke my heart. i was gathering the courage to ask you, to ask me out on a date this weekend. i wanted to dress up, look cute for you. i was making little plans to … Continue reading

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Isn’t it?

“So. She didn’t want to be with me. Isn’t it?” “It’s not that she didn’t want to be with you. She was waiting for you.” “Waiting for me? She was with someone after me. How could she wait for me? … Continue reading

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