I told my boyfriend I had met someone..

I didn’t think I would cry over him. I didn’t think my tears would fall across my face. Splatter and spread like my heart did. Not then, three weeks after the first time and not now, one month after breaking up. But I did cry, every singly night for the next four weeks.

It felt like I was giving up something that should be mine. Everything that would make me happy. Someone that was really half of who I was. I had dreams of him. Of conversations about our future. Of being so in tune. Him taking care of me for years to come.

To this day, long after the new one ghosted, I still dream of him.

Miss Mess,

xoxo

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Isn’t it?

“So. She didn’t want to be with me. Isn’t it?”

“It’s not that she didn’t want to be with you. She was waiting for you.”

“Waiting for me? She was with someone after me. How could she wait for me? How could she come back to me?”

“It’s not like that for girls. She was waiting for you to be who she believed you are. She just got tired of waiting. She thought she could leave and she’d come back if you asked her. With little, big gestures, you know.”

“What’s a big little gesture. I wanna watch news reports with my girl in bed. She wanted to change that? She wanted me to change for her? ”

“No. That’s not what I meant. I don’t know, maybe. She was hoping you’d come back for her, and be everything she wanted. Ya, fine, maybe it is. Maybe she was hoping you’d  change for her.”

Miss Mess

xoxo

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Is there an app for that?

Has anyone ever had one person in their life they loved but couldn’t be with because of traditional society, and at the same time had another person who was so perfect on paper but who was taking things so, slow.

Well I did, and I didn’t know what to do.
I wish I could have found out who would make me the happiest, who I would get along with for the next 50+ years. Who I could love the longest.

I wish there was an app for that.

I’ll tell you though, I ended up with neither of them.
Uncertainty is telling.

Editor’s note: I later read this article which confirmed it all – http://www.howtogettheguy.com/other/questions-ask-committing-long-term-relationship/

Miss Mess

xoxo

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Wish I could make you whole.

He’s the one who made me feel so comfortable.
Made me feel like he’ll always be there.
Made me feel confident enough to say anything, at any time.
Made me feel whole.

But, he never felt whole.
He always felt I’d leave, never knowing if I’d left already.
That’s why he treads lightly, that’s why he doesn’t say everything, everything he wants.
That’s why he doesn’t do everything he wants.
Why he feels out of place next to my friends and family.
Why he acts like he doesn’t care about any of them.

I wish it wasn’t like that, wish I could make him feel the comfort he makes me feel.

Miss Mess

xoxo

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Here’s a reminder 

Less than a week ago, I had lunch with my ex and his new wife. The one I cried over for months and months, the one I imagined I could tear down walls for, the one I thought understood me more than anyone ever would.

Lunch was great, it was fine, I even danced next to them in the evening.

If you had told me 3 years ago, this is where I would be today, that I would be okay and happy and unfazed by it all, I wouldn’t have believed you. I didn’t want to believe you. Sometimes our stories are not how we imagine them.

So here’s a reminder, if I can be okay, so can you.

Miss Mess

xoxo

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I really don’t want to put you on here

I tried to tell him we needed to stop. We needed to break up. I tried to tell him, “I’m in my thirties, we can’t keep acting like teenagers. Jumping into bed at all hours of the day. Really, we have to end it, clean slate. No more baby, no more weekends. This is it. There’s nothing we can do but avoid each other.”

I stood in his arms, palms covering my face, my tears streaming uncontrollably.

He said he wouldn’t let that happen, he said, “you can try, but I won’t let you avoid me.”

He stood facing me, grounded, keeping his arms right on my waist, looking into my eyes softly.

That has never happened to me, I have never had anyone, ever, try to be with me like that before.

I don’t know how I felt it, I just knew it was eventually going to feel like shards of glass, for the both of us. I knew he felt so sad for me. I felt his sadness pierce my heart. And I could tell he was being so strong, he was holding it together, just for me. In that moment, truly, just so my tears would stop.

What’s more is, I could feel he wanted to cry,  I knew he was battling so much himself, but I don’t know why he felt like he needed to comfort me; more than any guy I’d ever been with. More than I’d ever received.

I’m sorry I show you my vulnerabilities. I’m sorry I tell you things about me. I know it all only makes you want to protect me more, help me more. Make you fall for me even more.

I’m sorry. It’s the biggest fight, it’s the toughest choice. I want to spend days with you and nights with you, but I don’t know if, in the end I want to be with you.

I hid my face behind my hair, head down, I let my tears fall. It was too dark in his room anyway. My soul didn’t show through anyway.

Miss Mess

xoxo

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Dear Human,

“You didn’t come here to be perfect. You already are. You came here to be gorgeously human. Flawed and fabulous. And then to rise again into remembering. But unconditional love? Stop telling that story. Love, in truth, doesn’t need any other adjectives. It doesn’t require modifiers. It doesn’t require the condition of perfection. It only asks that you show up. And do your best. That you stay present and feel fully. That you shine and fly and laugh and cry and hurt and heal and fall and get back up and play and work and live and die as you. It’s enough. It’s plenty.”

– Courtney A. Walsh

He and I both showed up, everyday. And that is plenty. I hope I always have plenty.

Miss Mess

xoxo

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