Compatibility 101

I’m often thinking about why it didn’t work with A or others. What do people in relationships have that keeps them together, what had to exist for them for it to work out? When I think about A and I, I don’t know if I really understood the incompatibility between us. There was so much love and attachment it was really hard to understand compatibility. It was also hard to know my body, did I really feel the knowing, which in itself would have been enough if I did. And once we broke up, did I explain and understand it well enough. I remember I said my needs weren’t met. That was 100% the truth, but elaborating what those needs were was not something I did or was even clear on in my head. I understood the distance wasn’t working for me and in fact hurting me and having a negative effect on my feelings towards the relationship. Though beyond that, I felt like my asks were too much and impatient and divisive.

Until recently. I read a post by a therapist that really put the right words into why my relationship with A didn’t work out. At the core of it, I think it was our incompatibility around “emotional, physical and spiritual intimacy”. We didn’t have those, maybe we did at the start but we lost most of it, maybe we could have worked on it together, but I needed it and didn’t have it with A for months by the end, I’m sure he needed it too. We did have compatibility around “mental, sexual and intellectual intimacy”. We had a lot of that, that was near perfect between us. And maybe too our “values, morals and ethics codes and honoring our cultures” was like-minded. Our “traditions, world views and religion” didn’t match though and that was a big thing we both knew but repeatedly ignored. Here is the list to look to for future reference.

  • Emotional intimacy
  • Physical intimacy
  • Spiritual intimacy
  • Mental intimacy
  • Sexual intimacy
  • Intellectual intimacy
  • Values
  • Morals
  • Ethics codes
  • Honoring cultures and traditions
  • World views
  • Religion

MM

xoxo

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Always trying to learn how-to

How do you get over someone you love, but who doesn’t see a future with you? Someone who’s told you let’s have babies? Someone who asked you to tell them you loved them? Someone who looked into your eyes caring about your soul?

But he also said, he doesn’t want to get married. Said, he doesn’t see you two together. Said, we will like other people.

I think you start with anger, a lot of it, and let it edge on resentment, and then circle to a mellowed consistent annoyance. Then it’s the tears. Let there be tears, they don’t really have a start and end. And then it’s trickles of appreciation, much gratitude, and some days of joy. Reminding you to love yourself, all you have and all you’ve done and everywhere you’ve been, without them. And then, if you get there, it’s acceptance, that’s long time coming, that takes the crown. Understand that you can be without him, without his attention validating your being, without his words adding bounce to your step just one more day. It’s hard to get here, but I’ll fast forward for you, he grew up with certain beliefs and certain dreams that have nothing to do with you. And you grew up with your beliefs and your white wedding dreams. And sometimes your dreams and his dreams are not aligned. And all you can do is see how simple that is and accept it.

MM

xoxo

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Breaking

I’m breaking today, and I have to take a work call, I have to answer these emails, and I don’t have time to break. God, I don’t have time to break. I’m shaking from anger and sadness. Breathing is hard, and short. I have this image that I need to be strong, I can’t show him I’m breaking, honestly to what end? He’ll cradle me but it’s momentary, I know that. I’m tired of momentary. I’m tired of breaking.

MM

xoxo

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“I’m never going back to SF”

As soon as he said it I knew it was the end of us, I knew that phrase was going to be the end of us. I was expecting it too, as if I was waiting for the last time, the last words, the last cut.

I was so split during this period. I was seeking the signs, I was manifesting others, I was looking to find someone for the rest of my life. But at the same time, he was a memory of home, I had felt, for so long, for what felt like so long, that he was the rest of my life. I waited for him. I couldn’t let him go. I kept going back. I kept sticking. It wasn’t torturous like before, it wasn’t an insecurity about our relationship, questioning and requisitioning it constantly. It was a matter-of-fact feeling like we had no relationship. Knowing that he wasn’t going to give me what I needed. That we just weren’t on the same page, in the same book even. And for all we did, we couldn’t find our way back to each other.

I thought of leaving the message there, as the last one ever between us. “I’m never going back to SF”. The words that once and for all tore us apart. Tore me because of course I took it personally. I used to do shit like that all the time. Go fucking silent. I mean this time it would have been poetic, the last words that separated us about the city that brought us together. But I didn’t want silence anymore. What I wanted, what I always wanted, was love and big gestures. I loved romance. I loved romantic gestures, a year ago I would have moved to LA for B, why wouldn’t I move to Miami for A? Well, if I had moved for B that would have been a mess. And while I realize I want big romantic gestures, I don’t want to give it anymore. Not to A anyway. I mean there was a lot to it, it wasn’t just what he was not doing. I had felt so much from him, lots of beautiful things but too much was missing. I wasn’t feeling unloved, but I wasn’t feeling consistently loved either. And now, I knew what I needed, I needed to see him make a fucking move. Maybe he needed to see that from me too, before he could do the thing that had forever been unthinkable for him. I don’t know. I think he also needed, not to be here, in San Francisco, the trauma of which we never discussed. And I didn’t get it, how was not being here more important than being with me. He’d say he didn’t mean it like that, that he wanted to be with me in Miami, but that never felt right for me.

I mean, after everything between us, after who we were to each other, for each other, I couldn’t leave the message on read. But honestly I didn’t have the words to respond. Should I have asked him “why”? Should I have explained how the phrase made me feel dismissed? Should I have told him this will be the end of us? Should I have tried to explain myself to him, again.

We weren’t getting past this block. He would say come to Miami, I would say you come here, he would ask again, and we kept going back and forth like that for a month. I don’t know what could have changed. One of us had to move and neither of us could do it for the other.

I waited though, silently. I’m waiting though, silently.

MM

xoxo

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How do you know if you love someone?

I had a daydream about you. I had a thought more like. It brought a smile to my face. I felt so clear in my knowing. I want to wake up every morning next to you. I want a partnership with you.

The idea that love fades and comes back again. That it’s sometimes not a heightened sense of anything, just a beating heart. That it brings pain when it’s not right, and joy when it is. Peace when it is. Warmth to my cold body when it is.

I love love, other people’s, giving it, receiving it, and the one I feel for myself.

MM

xoxo

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From woman, to woman

Recently I realized I’ve been wanting to work on something within me that has been holding me back from healthy personal relationships. I had started to distance myself because it felt easier to live alone in disappointment than to keep failing and my hopes falling.

I couldn’t define it until now. I had no concept of what to work on, how to work on it. I had no verbal conditioning of what was happening in my personal relationships. I just knew there was something that brought me back to the same emptiness, the same worthlessness, the same heartbreaks.

October 18, 2019. I finally felt like I was on track. Suddenly things clicked into place. Like I could see my underlying issues from the outside in. Like kindness and compassion for myself finally meant something. I started to see that my anxiety and anxious attachment system caused me to feel like the men I cared about would always abandon me, that excitement and hope would always lead to pain. With those thoughts and resulting feelings, I dramatized my needs internally, over cared and over gave to my person, until I abruptly stopped giving, and made the decision to push them away. I don’t want to shame myself for my relationships not working. I used to do that. Instead I want to address my actions in those relationships, actions that did not speak with the intentions they meant. Thoughts that made me hide my vulnerabilities instead of bringing them into the fold. Bringing them into the space for depth and connection.

Today, and this will change, and I will falter, and forget; but today, I fully grasp it.

You are a powerful being with the ability to manifest anything you want in your life. The people you bring in your life, the love you want, the success that will reach you. Go out there and want it, you can have it.

MM

xoxo

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Love languages

Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, and Physical Touch. What’s yours?

Mine is words, affection, praise, encouragement.

I remember so vividly, once when A stopped me, my hair tangled, dark circles under my eyes, my natural skin blotchy and red, he looked straight at me and said, “God you’re beautiful.”

And another time, we were sitting on his couch, talking about the taboo in Persian culture of women asking for what they want. How our mothers and their mothers acted coy, demure, suppressing their needs and suffering in silence. Never feeling able or entitled to be the one to make a decision that was best for them. And they would get old, and after years of not having any control, of not knowing how to ask for what they need, they’d wait for people to do things for them. Walk them, feed them, decide what they will watch on TV for them.

In the middle of this, A stopped me and said, “but that’s not you right? You ask for what you want right?”

It was words like that. Statements about what he saw in me and how he understood me. Statements that he made highlighting the importance of making me better. He knew how important that was to me. It was important to him. That’s what made me feel loved.

MM

xoxo

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There is much and many

Yesterday was the first time in a long time, I felt abundance. It was in my sleep, a dream, but I felt awake, it was so real, my unconscious felt real joy. Beautiful, calm, accepting joy.

I’m ready to begin again. I know there is a partner out there, maybe many. And it will be easy, just like things that are meant for me have been easy.

And tomorrow, we would make new inside jokes. We would learn each others facial expressions. We would absorb how our bodies fit together. We will walk, and drink and live and cook, together. We’ll hold hands in the airport. Have you ever held hands in the airport?

Whoever you are, I’m ready to begin again.

MM

xoxo

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Memories are the worst

Sometimes whilst doing something, I have this insight that this will be a time I will be reliving many years on. Like, I know in my heart, what I just saw, or felt, or touched will months later pop up in my mind and remind me of where I was. My move to San Francisco had much of that. Maybe because everything was so new, I wasn’t on auto drive at all, I didn’t have similar experiences to access, people were different, words were different, and I was feeling everything. Heartbreak, difficulty, love and insecurities.

There was one time, one memory, that keeps coming up for me. In July 2016 I joined A at my first ever Cruise party. He picked me up, we stopped by his friend’s house party somewhere, in Pac Heights, Alamo, I can’t be sure, but I remember the patio and the people so clearly. As we walked out into the street and he asked for me, walked to me, I knew I’d remember this day. Honestly, since meeting him in Miami, which has forever stayed with me, every new thing we did together, I knew would stay with me. And this one did too.

Nothing, it was nothing weeks in, two, three maybe, whilst on the middle deck of the cruise ship, I asked him to come outside and take a picture of me. My hair flying, the sun gleaming, the ocean loud in the background, American flag right above. My fucking rebirth in this country. I was so comfortably uncomfortable, like when you ask a friend to take a picture of you. He was there from the beginning. 5 years and counting. I still go back to that wind and sun and his presence close to me. I wonder if that’s when he fell in love with me. We never talked about this story, I wonder if he is reliving this in his memories.

MM

xoxo

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I was an angry, hurt, unhealthy in lust, 20 year old.

We are back, full black circles. In the same sea. I broke my rules, stayed for you, and saw what I deep down knew was the ungodly truth. You are bad for me. Whilst every love is not typical, what I didn’t know at the time was that my attachment to you was typical. I kept waiting for you, nervously, rose myself off the sun deck watching for your arrival.. it can’t be undone, everything we did before we got here. It didn’t really matter, if I shouldn’t have gone to the other one, if you stayed with me the next night. In the end I’m the one who ate shit.

The same words repeated in my head for quite some time: I need to get over you. But why the pause, the preoccupation to stay, why the bargaining. Is it so bad that I’ll lose our friendship. I’ll lose you for real. I never had them anyway. I lived fine without them. I even lost you for months. I would have gotten past it, eventually, if you hadn’t fucking come back. It’s not just this week babe, you do this to me every time, and when it’s this hard, it’s just not meant to be. It’s not meant to be. I can’t let you raise my hopes. Let you love me for 5 minutes but forget me for days. I can’t lie here and feel the recurring pangs of jealousy. God the jealousy. You can’t, won’t, don’t know how to give me what I want. I’ll stop, I promise myself I’ll stop, this time. And when I get lonely and bored, and desperately seek a response on the other end of my text msg, I’ll try to remember the tears that flow off my face because of you. I’ll try. I glance at a picture of you. Sometimes, it feels like you’re walking away. Sometimes, you come back knowing I’ll always be here. I never knew what your problem was, I never understood us, why it felt so complicated, why it couldn’t be permanent. I woke up in the middle of the night heart racing from a nightmare, I wanted to msg you, even call you, I knew you were awake, I saw the green light next to your name, but I didn’t feel comfortable. I can’t stand being this hurt by you. I can’t keep crying every night because you make me feel like I’m no one to you.

Have you been here before? Obviously I have. At 20. If it helps, at 30, not so much.

MM

xoxo

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Desperately

Trying something old again. It’s not just words on a post-it on my mirror this time. All of my attention is for me, to heal me and to remind me to love me. The coaching class, yoga, my job, street walks, therapy. The outings I go to, the one’s I don’t. The trips I take, the one’s I don’t. The calls I make, the one’s I don’t. I have no space to think or remember to love you. And I don’t care if he realizes, or feels, or knows that none of my attention is on him. I don’t care. This one’s for me. Cheers to me, to you, to the little girl, the old girl, boy, man, whoever you are. Cheers to you and your work.

MM

xoxo

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The devil is still here

Okay, this is weird. You always, always come back out of the blue, especially when another guy is interested in me. Did you know that? Really though, did you feel it, and then picked up your phone to message me? Do you think we’re connected in some way? Or is it coincidence and I’m desperately hanging on to a connection? As naïve as it sounds, I know we’re connected. I think you have a hold of me, kept a hold of me all these years and I do wonder, do I have the same hold on you? Do I message you the day after you are preoccupied with a new girl?

Honestly, I don’t care to, or intend to, or want to be there when you are lost somewhere else. But here we go. You are on my mind again. I really thought I moved on. I really thought I accepted our reality. My therapist says our subconscious is so strong, even though I thought I had moved on, even though I wrote about it, thought it, you stayed there deep within me, not budging. You didn’t want to leave, don’t, I know that.

I started thinking about us again. Would we work, should we try it, do I want to wake up with you next to me every morning. I don’t know the answers to those questions, but they are not hard “no’s,” anymore. I started thinking about moving to London. I’d move to London.

So fuck, again, why are we not together? If I can’t move on, and we have a bond, and I’m sure you still want me, why are we not together? I know you’re scared of the what ifs, I know that. But there is more I don’t understand. What are those what ifs now, beyond what if she says no. I don’t understand why you don’t come back and ask me to be in a relationship with you. That, that sentence. And reality would say, because he doesn’t want to. And there is a devil somewhere that keeps telling me “he does, you know he does.” But what of this devil. Why is he still here?

I read that maybe when we think someone is our soulmate and that connection just doesn’t make it, what we are trying to learn is that we are our own soulmate. The lesson is for us to learn about ourselves, and to love ourselves. Stupid. If that’s what is happening here, if that’s what I need, then I throw my hands up in surrender, LET ME LOVE ME.

MM

xoxo

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Ready to Feel Again

Just like that, I’m finally feeling again. It’s different. I’ve felt sadness much sadness and anger, but rarely excited. The buttery jittery feeling of excitement was few and far between. This one though, he helped me. And I find him cute! And I’m thinking about it calmly. Suddenly the thoughts are simple. Who he is and who I am is simple. And in this simplicity with Slim, it got me thinking about what’s holding me back. What keeps holding me back. Well, there are a few things. The fear of not being loved back. The fear of feeling like I said too much, did too much, did something that was not the right thing. I think that’s my shame, I’m working on the shame.

Yes, conversations on dating apps are annoying and time consuming and need effort, but I’m sure that’s not the reason I didn’t want to do it. I don’t want to fall again. I don’t want to be in a cycle that doesn’t feel good. I don’t want to make a decision that’s a wrong decision. I don’t want that little girl to go through all that again.

It’s time though, and it’s the right time. I can see myself and tell myself, you can do it. You’re ready. Are you ready?

MM

xoxo

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I’m just dealing with a previous relationship; aren’t we all?

Hear me out here. I got my heart broken a few times and I stopped being gentle, and sweet and loving, mainly to you, but also to the next ones, even to my girlfriends. This is despite the fact that those values are the things I love about myself and I seek in others, the things that warm my soul. I’ve been holding them all back. There is no love, no kindness, no thinking ahead with compassion. Instead I feel anger, resentment, frustration, in conversations, and hang outs and my memories. But being sweet and loving, even saying I am those things, feels good. I haven’t lost the resentment, but it’s softer. I don’t want to be fully sweet to you, but I’m considering it. Maybe that’s our story, the cycle, the pain and anguish, but also the real love we both felt from each other, and the ending of it in kindness. You were kind, are kind, there were some things that in the end and after the end, felt mean, but I understand it wasn’t intentional. Maybe it was expressive, or maybe you were educating me. In any case you were loving, we are loving.

I’m curious though, I’m definitely trying to honor my anger and my affection towards you, given, everything, but now that I am hurting from another, someone very selfish, I want to reach out and be extremely kind to you. As if to rebalance the order of things. But I realize I want to do it with strings attached. I’m doing it wanting you to come back and tell me that feels nice, that I’m nice and thoughtful, and you appreciate me. In a way, that would erase how foolish and little that dude made me feel. So what to do? What is kindness if my intention is to give something with something in return. If my heart has not let go of all the resentment. What is this revolting back and forth when all I want is to feel loving and sweet towards you.

MM

xoxo

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Manifesting Babies

Age 34, single, no babies.

It was a regular Sunday.  I finished Pilates, sent some emails, made a protein smoothie and avo toast.  I was staying at my sisters.  Her babies running around, bringing lights of joy.  I paused.  Looked over at their little heads bopping up and down.  I walked over, knelt down and put my forehead against my nephew’s forehead.  My skin touching his soft angel-like skin, he kept it there and I prayed.  I literally prayed for a baby of my own to another little baby. There is such wonder about the love that babies spark inside me, it simultaneously blows me away and makes me crinkle my nose in understanding.  I love babies.  My time will come.

MM

xoxo

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His human imprints

This one left an imprint. He used the words “lust”. He text first, then rang to tell me he felt like him and I would have a great friendship, but that we didn’t have, he paused, sad about it, we didn’t have, “lust”.

Our first date was a wonderful night, he had a fucking great time, I’m sure. And for me, it was the first time after the first night that, even though I wanted to, I said no. The next Friday, an hour before our second date, I was feeling excited, until he called and he, out of the blue, cancelled. I was surprised, genuinely, the signs were well hidden. What a stealth psychopath, planned a dinner, plus a brunch the next day, then after 5 days of dwelling, called to cancel because there was no “lust”.

Fine, that was what it was. I can accept that what he felt after our interaction was friendship. But now I’m wondering, how can I bring “lust” to my future relationships. I’m now working with feeling like I am not lusty enough, naughty enough, should I show my sexual side soon enough. And my brain laughs, my heart too, it was one date, he didn’t get to know me. I don’t want to, nor do I need to, have sex on the first date. But that imprint, is on me. I know it’s not about my actions, or lack thereof, but about him and his anxious attachment style and desire to burn from it, the cold and hot of the unavailable. I’m not there anymore. But I am here, spinning the words “lust”, up and down my skin.

MM

xoxo

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Personal Growth

For the first time in 33 years:

“I’m tired of putting other people’s feelings before mine. I don’t have anything to talk to you about. Once I do, I’ll message you.”

And you know, in response to that, I got a bunch of “Yooo’s”, some fire emojis, which could have been from any one of them really, they’re all always the same really.  Thank god, I changed.

MM

xoxo

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Last fucking Hi.

Hi. You’ve been on my mind lately. Last night, I couldn’t help myself, my mind and body begged for a connection. It had been 4 months since the last time, I thought oxytocin and dopamine faded after 2 weeks, and I’m sure they do, but I had seen you last week, and you gave me a hug, both arms around me. Funny that’s all it took. Attachment has a power beyond what I thought I understood. I wish I paused to notice it, I wish I sat with it, I wish I could have verbalized it in more than 4 desperate words, via a little blue bubble at 1am. I wish I wrote, like now. Instead I puffed your ego and bruised my own.

Most times I’m fine, but sometimes big things happen in our lives that trigger our need to be seen by our past. And there was a big thing in my life. I was out of my comfort zone, I was trying, and being mature, and seeing but staying, and doing things differently. In that glass box of learning curves, I wanted to break my attachment to I, and you were just perfectly perched on the edge, unsure if you would answer, that hot and cold, exactly my comfort zone. It was a sure way to do it, to get out of this one. I’d done it in the past. And instead I could attach to you, win win. Or lose lose.

It’s incredible that my heart knows, my mind knows, the back of my eyes know, but I still shine my light on you. I’m bewitched by thoughts of you, memories, buying a chicken sandwich at wholefoods for you.

Your values suck, the ones you had with me, don’t match mine. I help, with nothing in return, I respond, with emotions and transparency, I put your feelings before mine when I know something can hurt you, I speak and do as I speak. None of this from you. How do I still want you?

MM

xoxo

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Let’s write about it

Feeling pretty triggered today.

First trigger first. Yesterday was a stark reminder that I am still there. Feeling heightened emotions, loops of excitement, defeated, and so so naked. On our call, I felt H could still read the part of my soul that knew I liked him, that I thought was closed to him. I felt he was seeking confirmation that I still cared about him, and I gave it to him. Once again he got what he needed. And in return, I felt ashamed that my body reacted in eagerness and nerves in direct response to his question. All he said was “M, what’s your background?” We’d played this dance before, he’d practiced on me on our last zoom call. He was comfortable speaking, but for me, it was as if I was hearing those words for the first time. Caught off guard I mumbled something about my cultural background. I know what he was doing, determined to portray a manner of loyalty to our culture, when the truth was he didn’t know what he was loyal to, he was just saying words he thought everyone wanted to hear. I’m not sure if I’m being eloquent about what happened, but the point is, he was selfish, and he put me on the spot, he drained me, to get to where he was heading. And obviously, in this whole roundabout, he wanted to talk about the painting in his background, dark and angry and intricate lines of black, that honestly bothered me. Even before I had seen it in person, when he shared a picture of it with me, and shared his delight in his purchase, the piece and artist bothered me. It looked like it represented his heart, black and scratched, and toneless, I think he saw that too and related to it, and I think I didn’t like that I was so pulled to a heart like that. Plus it was still resting on the couch behind him, I mean how does a man not have the ability to hang up a frame?  This repulsion I’m feeling, is anger, I know. Where is it coming from you ask? I am angry he did not love me. I am angry he comes across confident, and I, a bag of nerves. I am angry I have deep emotions for someone I don’t even agree with. I am angry because people talk about people leaving if you are too available, and that you can scare them away by telling them you like them. That’s trigger number two. This advice to women, and girls, to hold back emotions, genuinely repulses me. To teach women to not feel or to not act on what they feel, to shame them, it’s not right. To tell women that we have to be less, and feel less, because we scare people away. I don’t like this narrative.

Trigger three, I am consumed by being loved by A, H and now I. It’s all I think about, rotating between them.

MM

xoxo

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Letters to past lovers No. 2

Dear Lover,

Cheers to the memories. Joshua Tree, Bay Bridge, Banana Leaves, Mendocino.  There’s one memory, I’m still curious about.  The second time, after the second try, you were driving me to my appointment, you started to talk for a change, I listened and can still hear your eyes speak.  It was when you said those words, when you admitted it, it took me by complete surprise.  It threw me for a loop.  Really? How?  Did you really fall in love with me?  Was that really the moment you thought you were in love with me?  You blushed when I asked you if it felt really good.  That threw me off even more.  I literally thought, this person who constantly pushes me away, who constantly feels guilty, who is scared of every check-up, who are you right now?  How had you, have you, had these thoughts and feelings and I had absolutely no idea.

It’s a short sigh of relief H, to know someone loves you, it’s fleeting because, sexual love, and real love, as we know, are memories apart.

MM,

xoxo

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