How to stop loving someone.

Search Google or type a URL:

how to get over someone

how to stop being sad over a boy

how to move on

I’ve googled every variation of this over the years. It’s not like I can narrow down the entries any further, they are pretty on point, I do want to narrow down the steps though. I kind of want google to share my searches with me, give me a summary of the results of everything I’ve read, show me what I previously searched, what helped, what I should read again, now that we are here again. You know, make it efficient google.

Here is what happened this time. Search: How to stop loving someone. I read that title and I felt sad and lost in thought. All the parts of me that hurt wanted to hold on and love him forever. Still, 2,3,4 years later. It’s so weird, I swear I thought I moved on. I swear I felt all the feelings and didn’t just push them aside, sat with them and understood I needed to end it. I remember sinking. I remember moving on from sinking. So how am I still here?

“It’s not uncommon to feel frustrated with yourself for not getting over them yet.” Thanks google.

MM

xoxo

Say a little prayer

I forgive you [insert name of lover], and I release you to the Holy Spirit.

Every time I say that it takes my breath away. How real it is, to actually forgive someone allows you to let them go. Right now though, the anger inside my heart is vibrating instead. The avalanche of insecurity, what is it that I did wrong, is picking at my brain. These feelings, large enough that I can’t forgive him. But I do want to. I haven’t yet, but I know I will. And I’ll keep sending him a prayer until I do.

MM

xoxo

I want all the science

Science says it takes a man 6 to 8 weeks to process a break-up. That’s cool, but what is the science for how long it takes a woman to accept the end of a relationship?

I want to know the science, apply it to my life, and see where I am on that timeline. I could then look to when the end is. Flip through the calendar and count until the date I’ll be open again. When I’ll be revived again. Ready again.

This damn process. I know I’m not the only one, but I want to hear from women who broke, pushed through it, met someone else they love, and can talk to me about the other side. Their acceptance of the fireworks that loved and broke them. And their new love that loves and heals them. Hello, hi, tell me, please.

How can I process the constant reminders? Some of him, some of being lonely, some of both at the same time. Stop texting, done. Delete their text chain, done. Block on social media, done. Don’t respond when they text, done. What else? What fucking else. And I still tell myself – “but it would just be so easy if they came back”. Just give me the science.

MM

xoxo

The things I’ve done to feel loved

Everything. Everything I’ve done purposely with you, and purposely without you. To recreate the same relationship we had. To reproduce the exact time we spent together. The specific days and nights that I still watch in my memories as the most ordinary of things, but surrounded, covered, smothered in empathy that hit my fragile most vulnerable spots. To reduce my world down to us two. I did everything you can think of. Stay silent at the right times. Stay silent at the wrong times. Surprise you. Spend every night with you. Stop spending nights with you. Apologize for being confused. Ask you to leave. Ask you to stay. Be okay with it all. Be okay with none of it. Think of you non-stop. Talk to you in my head. Cry to you. Laugh with you. Fly to you. Wait for you. Plan New Years at yours. Tell you what I read in the face of others about our relationship. Call you hungover. Beg you to come back. Tell you all of this. End all of it. Try and try and try and try to find someone else. And at the end of this sadistic cycle, still hold on hope that I’m the only one for you.

MM

xoxo

A million bit

Words are sometimes really fucking difficult for me. Sometimes I just want you to understand what I feel and give me what I need. Without me needing to express it, or explain it, or say it clear enough for you to action it.

Don’t we all?

Sometimes I feel like because I’m not able to explain what I need, I’m responsible for you not getting it. And here I am, in the middle of trying to fucking figure out what I could have said or how I could have said it better, you post a picture of your trip to Tulum.

Sigh.

I am here for your joy. I promise. To love someone is for their happiness to be your happiness. I revel to know that you are with joy. But did you even know? Did you know it hurt me. You posted one simple, calm ocean, blue skies picture, summarizing the things you did with your new friends in Tulum, and I crumbled. It was jealousy and insecurity and fear and pain, bundled together in one delivery.

I have absolutely no idea if you feel sad in the same way, but I need to stop experiencing feeling abandoned in this way.

MM

xoxo

Have faith in the order of things

Day 15, I heard the phrase “because we lack faith in an invisible order of things”, and I imagined a white string, being pulled taught at both ends, and I was standing somewhere a quarter of the way in, teetering, trying to keep my balance. I lifted my chin up and out of my reverie I suddenly saw A. Looking at me, looking down at my feet, a smile on the edge of his lips. I shook myself out of this circus daydream. I realised that somehow I hadn’t thought of him for 12 hours, 12 whole hours without reverting to his words, his palms, his eyes. That was a win, a baby win but a solid win nonetheless. I couldn’t remember an hour I hadn’t thought of A, of us, of what we had, what we didn’t. How did we end up here. How was I so off my path. If there was one thing that had been surely getting stronger, over time, over my life time, was my faith in the order of things. But why could I not be okay with this part of the story. I kept dwelling on the past, the what ifs, the head shaking if only he saw what I saw. I know it takes time, 365 days and counting, until you want to, or can or do, believe this is right for you. Where do I want to go? I can go anywhere I want to go. Why can’t I go more than 12 hours these days.

MM

xoxo

Processing

I think I processed the pain, at least some of it, the physical shapes piercing my heart, the emotional weight draining my energy, the belief that we are not in control of our choices. And a lot of the anger, anger never sits right with me anyway. What I haven’t processed is the extreme need for love. Need to be chosen, wanted, touched, held, adored. Does that ever get less?

MM

xoxo

Compatibility 101

I’m often thinking about why it didn’t work with A or others. What do people in relationships have that keeps them together, what had to exist for them for it to work out? When I think about A and I, I don’t know if I really understood the incompatibility between us. There was so much love and attachment it was really hard to understand compatibility. It was also hard to know my body, did I really feel the knowing, which in itself would have been enough if I did. And once we broke up, did I explain and understand it well enough. I remember I said my needs weren’t met. That was 100% the truth, but elaborating what those needs were was not something I did or was even clear on in my head. I understood the distance wasn’t working for me and in fact hurting me and having a negative effect on my feelings towards the relationship. Though beyond that, I felt like my asks were too much and impatient and divisive.

Until recently. I read a post by a therapist that really put the right words into why my relationship with A didn’t work out. At the core of it, I think it was our incompatibility around “emotional, physical and spiritual intimacy”. We didn’t have those, maybe we did at the start but we lost most of it, maybe we could have worked on it together, but I needed it and didn’t have it with A for months by the end, I’m sure he needed it too. We did have compatibility around “mental, sexual and intellectual intimacy”. We had a lot of that, that was near perfect between us. And maybe too our “values, morals and ethics codes and honoring our cultures” was like-minded. Our “traditions, world views and religion” didn’t match though and that was a big thing we both knew but repeatedly ignored. Here is the list to look to for future reference.

• Emotional intimacy
• Physical intimacy
• Spiritual intimacy
• Mental intimacy
• Sexual intimacy
• Intellectual intimacy
• Values
• Morals
• Ethics codes
• Honoring cultures and traditions
• World views
• Religion

MM

xoxo

Always trying to learn how-to

How do you get over someone you love, but who doesn’t see a future with you? Someone who’s told you let’s have babies? Someone who asked you to tell them you loved them? Someone who looked into your eyes caring about your soul?

But he also said, he doesn’t want to get married. Said, he doesn’t see you two together. Said, we will like other people.

I think you start with anger, a lot of it, and let it edge on resentment, and then circle to a mellowed consistent annoyance. Then it’s the tears. Let there be tears, they don’t really have a start and end. And then it’s trickles of appreciation, much gratitude, and some days of joy. Reminding you to love yourself, all you have and all you’ve done and everywhere you’ve been, without them. And then, if you get there, it’s acceptance, that’s long time coming, that takes the crown. Understand that you can be without him, without his attention validating your being, without his words adding bounce to your step just one more day. It’s hard to get here, but I’ll fast forward for you, he grew up with certain beliefs and certain dreams that have nothing to do with you. And you grew up with your beliefs and your white wedding dreams. And sometimes your dreams and his dreams are not aligned. And all you can do is see how simple that is and accept it.

MM

xoxo

Breaking

I’m breaking today, and I have to take a work call, I have to answer these emails, and I don’t have time to break. God, I don’t have time to break. I’m shaking from anger and sadness. Breathing is hard, and short. I have this image that I need to be strong, I can’t show him I’m breaking, honestly to what end? He’ll cradle me but it’s momentary, I know that. I’m tired of momentary. I’m tired of breaking.

MM

xoxo

“I’m never going back to SF”

As soon as he said it I knew it was the end of us, I knew that phrase was going to be the end of us. I was expecting it too, as if I was waiting for the last time, the last words, the last cut.

I was so split during this period. I was seeking the signs, I was manifesting others, I was looking to find someone for the rest of my life. But at the same time, he was a memory of home, I had felt, for so long, for what felt like so long, that he was the rest of my life. I waited for him. I couldn’t let him go. I kept going back. I kept sticking. It wasn’t torturous like before, it wasn’t an insecurity about our relationship, questioning and requisitioning it constantly. It was a matter-of-fact feeling like we had no relationship. Knowing that he wasn’t going to give me what I needed. That we just weren’t on the same page, in the same book even. And for all we did, we couldn’t find our way back to each other.

I thought of leaving the message there, as the last one ever between us. “I’m never going back to SF”. The words that once and for all tore us apart. Tore me because of course I took it personally. I used to do shit like that all the time. Go fucking silent. I mean this time it would have been poetic, the last words that separated us about the city that brought us together. But I didn’t want silence anymore. What I wanted, what I always wanted, was love and big gestures. I loved romance. I loved romantic gestures, a year ago I would have moved to LA for B, why wouldn’t I move to Miami for A? Well, if I had moved for B that would have been a mess. And while I realize I want big romantic gestures, I don’t want to give it anymore. Not to A anyway. I mean there was a lot to it, it wasn’t just what he was not doing. I had felt so much from him, lots of beautiful things but too much was missing. I wasn’t feeling unloved, but I wasn’t feeling consistently loved either. And now, I knew what I needed, I needed to see him make a fucking move. Maybe he needed to see that from me too, before he could do the thing that had forever been unthinkable for him. I don’t know. I think he also needed, not to be here, in San Francisco, the trauma of which we never discussed. And I didn’t get it, how was not being here more important than being with me. He’d say he didn’t mean it like that, that he wanted to be with me in Miami, but that never felt right for me.

I mean, after everything between us, after who we were to each other, for each other, I couldn’t leave the message on read. But honestly I didn’t have the words to respond. Should I have asked him “why”? Should I have explained how the phrase made me feel dismissed? Should I have told him this will be the end of us? Should I have tried to explain myself to him, again.

We weren’t getting past this block. He would say come to Miami, I would say you come here, he would ask again, and we kept going back and forth like that for a month. I don’t know what could have changed. One of us had to move and neither of us could do it for the other.

I waited though, silently. I’m waiting though, silently.

MM

xoxo

How do you know if you love someone?

I had a daydream about you. I had a thought more like. It brought a smile to my face. I felt so clear in my knowing. I want to wake up every morning next to you. I want a partnership with you.

The idea that love fades and comes back again. That it’s sometimes not a heightened sense of anything, just a beating heart. That it brings pain when it’s not right, and joy when it is. Peace when it is. Warmth to my cold body when it is.

I love love, other people’s, giving it, receiving it, and the one I feel for myself.

MM

xoxo

From woman, to woman

Recently I realized I’ve been wanting to work on something within me that has been holding me back from healthy personal relationships. I had started to distance myself because it felt easier to live alone in disappointment than to keep failing and my hopes falling.

I couldn’t define it until now. I had no concept of what to work on, how to work on it. I had no verbal conditioning of what was happening in my personal relationships. I just knew there was something that brought me back to the same emptiness, the same worthlessness, the same heartbreaks.

October 18, 2019. I finally felt like I was on track. Suddenly things clicked into place. Like I could see my underlying issues from the outside in. Like kindness and compassion for myself finally meant something. I started to see that my anxiety and anxious attachment system caused me to feel like the men I cared about would always abandon me, that excitement and hope would always lead to pain. With those thoughts and resulting feelings, I dramatized my needs internally, over cared and over gave to my person, until I abruptly stopped giving, and made the decision to push them away. I don’t want to shame myself for my relationships not working. I used to do that. Instead I want to address my actions in those relationships, actions that did not speak with the intentions they meant. Thoughts that made me hide my vulnerabilities instead of bringing them into the fold. Bringing them into the space for depth and connection.

Today, and this will change, and I will falter, and forget; but today, I fully grasp it.

You are a powerful being with the ability to manifest anything you want in your life. The people you bring in your life, the love you want, the success that will reach you. Go out there and want it, you can have it.

MM

xoxo

Love languages

Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, and Physical Touch. What’s yours?

Mine is words, affection, praise, encouragement.

I remember so vividly, once when A stopped me, my hair tangled, dark circles under my eyes, my natural skin blotchy and red, he looked straight at me and said, “God you’re beautiful.”

And another time, we were sitting on his couch, talking about the taboo in Persian culture of women asking for what they want. How our mothers and their mothers acted coy, demure, suppressing their needs and suffering in silence. Never feeling able or entitled to be the one to make a decision that was best for them. And they would get old, and after years of not having any control, of not knowing how to ask for what they need, they’d wait for people to do things for them. Walk them, feed them, decide what they will watch on TV for them.

In the middle of this, A stopped me and said, “but that’s not you right? You ask for what you want right?”

It was words like that. Statements about what he saw in me and how he understood me. Statements that he made highlighting the importance of making me better. He knew how important that was to me. It was important to him. That’s what made me feel loved.

MM

xoxo

There is much and many

Yesterday was the first time in a long time, I felt abundance. It was in my sleep, a dream, but I felt awake, it was so real, my unconscious felt real joy. Beautiful, calm, accepting joy.

I’m ready to begin again. I know there is a partner out there, maybe many. And it will be easy, just like things that are meant for me have been easy.

And tomorrow, we would make new inside jokes. We would learn each others facial expressions. We would absorb how our bodies fit together. We will walk, and drink and live and cook, together. We’ll hold hands in the airport. Have you ever held hands in the airport?

Whoever you are, I’m ready to begin again.

MM

xoxo

Memories are the worst

Sometimes whilst doing something, I have this insight that this will be a time I will be reliving many years on. Like, I know in my heart, what I just saw, or felt, or touched will months later pop up in my mind and remind me of where I was. My move to San Francisco had much of that. Maybe because everything was so new, I wasn’t on auto drive at all, I didn’t have similar experiences to access, people were different, words were different, and I was feeling everything. Heartbreak, difficulty, love and insecurities.

There was one time, one memory, that keeps coming up for me. In July 2016 I joined A at my first ever Cruise party. He picked me up, we stopped by his friend’s house party somewhere, in Pac Heights, Alamo, I can’t be sure, but I remember the patio and the people so clearly. As we walked out into the street and he asked for me, walked to me, I knew I’d remember this day. Honestly, since meeting him in Miami, which has forever stayed with me, every new thing we did together, I knew would stay with me. And this one did too.

Nothing, it was nothing weeks in, two, three maybe, whilst on the middle deck of the cruise ship, I asked him to come outside and take a picture of me. My hair flying, the sun gleaming, the ocean loud in the background, American flag right above. My fucking rebirth in this country. I was so comfortably uncomfortable, like when you ask a friend to take a picture of you. He was there from the beginning. 5 years and counting. I still go back to that wind and sun and his presence close to me. I wonder if that’s when he fell in love with me. We never talked about this story, I wonder if he is reliving this in his memories.

MM

xoxo

I was an angry, hurt, unhealthy in lust, 20 year old.

We are back, full black circles. In the same sea. I broke my rules, stayed for you, and saw what I deep down knew was the ungodly truth. You are bad for me. Whilst every love is not typical, what I didn’t know at the time was that my attachment to you was typical. I kept waiting for you, nervously, rose myself off the sun deck watching for your arrival.. it can’t be undone, everything we did before we got here. It didn’t really matter, if I shouldn’t have gone to the other one, if you stayed with me the next night. In the end I’m the one who ate shit.

The same words repeated in my head for quite some time: I need to get over you. But why the pause, the preoccupation to stay, why the bargaining. Is it so bad that I’ll lose our friendship. I’ll lose you for real. I never had them anyway. I lived fine without them. I even lost you for months. I would have gotten past it, eventually, if you hadn’t fucking come back. It’s not just this week babe, you do this to me every time, and when it’s this hard, it’s just not meant to be. It’s not meant to be. I can’t let you raise my hopes. Let you love me for 5 minutes but forget me for days. I can’t lie here and feel the recurring pangs of jealousy. God the jealousy. You can’t, won’t, don’t know how to give me what I want. I’ll stop, I promise myself I’ll stop, this time. And when I get lonely and bored, and desperately seek a response on the other end of my text msg, I’ll try to remember the tears that flow off my face because of you. I’ll try. I glance at a picture of you. Sometimes, it feels like you’re walking away. Sometimes, you come back knowing I’ll always be here. I never knew what your problem was, I never understood us, why it felt so complicated, why it couldn’t be permanent. I woke up in the middle of the night heart racing from a nightmare, I wanted to msg you, even call you, I knew you were awake, I saw the green light next to your name, but I didn’t feel comfortable. I can’t stand being this hurt by you. I can’t keep crying every night because you make me feel like I’m no one to you.

Have you been here before? Obviously I have. At 20. If it helps, at 30, not so much.

MM

xoxo

Desperately

Trying something old again. It’s not just words on a post-it on my mirror this time. All of my attention is for me, to heal me and to remind me to love me. The coaching class, yoga, my job, street walks, therapy. The outings I go to, the one’s I don’t. The trips I take, the one’s I don’t. The calls I make, the one’s I don’t. I have no space to think or remember to love you. And I don’t care if he realizes, or feels, or knows that none of my attention is on him. I don’t care. This one’s for me. Cheers to me, to you, to the little girl, the old girl, boy, man, whoever you are. Cheers to you and your work.

MM

xoxo

The devil is still here

Okay, this is weird. You always, always come back out of the blue, especially when another guy is interested in me. Did you know that? Really though, did you feel it, and then picked up your phone to message me? Do you think we’re connected in some way? Or is it coincidence and I’m desperately hanging on to a connection? As naïve as it sounds, I know we’re connected. I think you have a hold of me, kept a hold of me all these years and I do wonder, do I have the same hold on you? Do I message you the day after you are preoccupied with a new girl?

Honestly, I don’t care to, or intend to, or want to be there when you are lost somewhere else. But here we go. You are on my mind again. I really thought I moved on. I really thought I accepted our reality. My therapist says our subconscious is so strong, even though I thought I had moved on, even though I wrote about it, thought it, you stayed there deep within me, not budging. You didn’t want to leave, don’t, I know that.

I started thinking about us again. Would we work, should we try it, do I want to wake up with you next to me every morning. I don’t know the answers to those questions, but they are not hard “no’s,” anymore. I started thinking about moving to London. I’d move to London.

So fuck, again, why are we not together? If I can’t move on, and we have a bond, and I’m sure you still want me, why are we not together? I know you’re scared of the what ifs, I know that. But there is more I don’t understand. What are those what ifs now, beyond what if she says no. I don’t understand why you don’t come back and ask me to be in a relationship with you. That, that sentence. And reality would say, because he doesn’t want to. And there is a devil somewhere that keeps telling me “he does, you know he does.” But what of this devil. Why is he still here?

I read that maybe when we think someone is our soulmate and that connection just doesn’t make it, what we are trying to learn is that we are our own soulmate. The lesson is for us to learn about ourselves, and to love ourselves. Stupid. If that’s what is happening here, if that’s what I need, then I throw my hands up in surrender, LET ME LOVE ME.

MM

xoxo

Ready to Feel Again

Just like that, I’m finally feeling again. It’s different. I’ve felt sadness much sadness and anger, but rarely excited. The buttery jittery feeling of excitement was few and far between. This one though, he helped me. And I find him cute! And I’m thinking about it calmly. Suddenly the thoughts are simple. Who he is and who I am is simple. And in this simplicity with Slim, it got me thinking about what’s holding me back. What keeps holding me back. Well, there are a few things. The fear of not being loved back. The fear of feeling like I said too much, did too much, did something that was not the right thing. I think that’s my shame, I’m working on the shame.

Yes, conversations on dating apps are annoying and time consuming and need effort, but I’m sure that’s not the reason I didn’t want to do it. I don’t want to fall again. I don’t want to be in a cycle that doesn’t feel good. I don’t want to make a decision that’s a wrong decision. I don’t want that little girl to go through all that again.

It’s time though, and it’s the right time. I can see myself and tell myself, you can do it. You’re ready. Are you ready?

MM

xoxo