karma – the heart that keeps breaking

wow. that just broke my heart.

i was gearing up the courage to ask you, to ask me out on a date this weekend. i wanted to dress up, look cute for you. I was making plans to spend the day and night with you. i was trying to find the right words to tell you i want more. more of you, more calls, more sights, more experiences, with you.

and you just text me: “I decided to go to LA this weekend.”

that was it, in a blue bubble, i kept staring at it.

i know you have to protect your heart. i know i’m the one who broke up with you that first time. i’m the one who doesn’t wanna be with you in the long long term. i’m the one who teared, and shook and told you so.

but i just didn’t think you were waiting for the worst moment to break it. with a text and a drive far away.

Miss Mess

xoxo

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As if my heart couldn’t break

Throughout our relationship, although I had my selfish moments, I stopped acting on what it was that I truthfully wanted. Who I wanted to be with. Where I wanted to go. What I wanted to do.

I was constantly worried about him – About yo-yo-ing him – About breaking his heart. About giving him a normal relationship. About saying one thing and doing another thing. About saying too much and explaining too much and never explaining enough.

Yet I never once thought: what if he broke my heart.

As if he wasn’t capable, as if my heart wasn’t able to break.

As if there was a positive correlation between the good guys, and my personal happiness. As if life was that simple.

Well let me remind you, my heart was beating to the shape of the thinnest glass, it had long been stretched at the seams. And one Thursday it so simply shattered. I turned my head, let his lips brush my cheek, and whispered, “I’ve met someone.” Trust me, I know how he felt, because my heart felt the tremors. And I scrambled to pick the pieces, cutting my fingers at the corners. Feeling the blood as it trickled scarlet.

Sure, he didn’t do it that time, it was me, it was precedence and it was my past.
But once I pieced it together that first time, and once I went back to him, it happened again like the most ungodly punch into a mirror. This weekend it shuddered, pieces crashing down. The reverberations beating in my ear. A black hole clamping in its place. I stayed in bed for 24 hours, I couldn’t move, I laid there arms restless by my side, willing the pieces to mould, my mind begging them, tears streaming down my face, painfully, pushing the pieces together, back to where they had been, many years ago, first stitched into place.

Miss Mess

xoxo

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I told my boyfriend I had met someone..

I didn’t think I would cry over him. I didn’t think my tears would fall across my face. Splatter and spread like my heart did. Not then, three weeks after the first time I said it and not now, one month after breaking up. But I did cry, every single night for the next four weeks.

It felt like I was giving up something that should be mine. Everything that would make me happy. Someone that was really half of who I was. I had dreams of him. Of conversations about our future. Of being so in tune. Him taking care of me for years to come.

To this day, long after the new one ghosted, I still dream of him.

Miss Mess,

xoxo

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Isn’t it?

“So. She didn’t want to be with me. Isn’t it?”

“It’s not that she didn’t want to be with you. She was waiting for you.”

“Waiting for me? She was with someone after me. How could she wait for me? How could she come back to me?”

“It’s not like that for girls. She was waiting for you to be who she believed you are. She just got tired of waiting. She thought she could leave and she’d come back if you asked her. With little, big gestures, you know.”

“What’s a big little gesture. I wanna watch news reports with my girl in bed. She wanted to change that? She wanted me to change for her? ”

“No. That’s not what I meant. I don’t know, maybe. She was hoping you’d come back for her, and be everything she wanted. Ya, fine, maybe it is. Maybe she was hoping you’d  change for her.”

Miss Mess

xoxo

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Is there an app for that?

Has anyone ever had one person in their life they loved but couldn’t be with because of traditional society, and at the same time had another person who was so perfect on paper but who was taking things so, slow.

Well I did, and I didn’t know what to do.
I wish I could have found out who would make me the happiest, who I would get along with for the next 50+ years. Who I could love the longest.

I wish there was an app for that.

I’ll tell you though, I ended up with neither of them.
Uncertainty is telling.

Editor’s note: I later read this article which confirmed it all – http://www.howtogettheguy.com/other/questions-ask-committing-long-term-relationship/

Miss Mess

xoxo

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Wish I could make you whole.

He’s the one who made me feel so comfortable.
Made me feel like he’ll always be there.
Made me feel confident enough to say anything, at any time.
Made me feel whole.

But, he never felt whole.
He always felt I’d leave, never knowing if I’d left already.
That’s why he treads lightly, that’s why he doesn’t say everything, everything he wants.
That’s why he doesn’t do everything he wants.
Why he feels out of place next to my friends and family.
Why he acts like he doesn’t care about any of them.

I wish it wasn’t like that, wish I could make him feel the comfort he makes me feel.

Miss Mess

xoxo

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Here’s a reminder 

Less than a week ago, I had lunch with my ex and his new wife. The one I cried over for months and months, the one I imagined I could tear down walls for, the one I thought understood me more than anyone ever would.

Lunch was great, it was fine, I even danced next to them in the evening.

If you had told me 3 years ago, this is where I would be today, that I would be okay and happy and unfazed by it all, I wouldn’t have believed you. I didn’t want to believe you. Sometimes our stories are not how we imagine them.

So here’s a reminder, if I can be okay, so can you.

Miss Mess

xoxo

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