Hi. You’ve been on my mind lately. Last night, I couldn’t help myself, my mind and body begged for a connection. It had been 4 months since the last time, I thought oxytocin and dopamine faded after 2 weeks, and I’m sure they do, but I had seen you last week, and you gave me a hug, both arms around me. Funny that’s all it took. Attachment has a power beyond what I thought I understood. I wish I paused to notice it, I wish I sat with it, I wish I could have verbalized it in more than 4 desperate words, via a little blue bubble at 1am. I wish I wrote, like now. Instead I puffed your ego and bruised my own.
Most times I’m fine, but sometimes big things happen in our lives that trigger our need to be seen by our past. And there was a big thing in my life. I was out of my comfort zone, I was trying, and being mature, and seeing but staying, and doing things differently. In that glass box of learning curves, I wanted to break my attachment to I, and you were just perfectly perched on the edge, unsure if you would answer, that hot and cold, exactly my comfort zone. It was a sure way to do it, to get out of this one. I’d done it in the past. And instead I could attach to you, win win. Or lose lose.
It’s incredible that my heart knows, my mind knows, the back of my eyes know, but I still shine my light on you. I’m bewitched by thoughts of you, memories, buying a chicken sandwich at wholefoods for you.
Your values suck, the ones you had with me, don’t match mine. I help, with nothing in return, I respond, with emotions and transparency, I put your feelings before mine when I know something can hurt you, I speak and do as I speak. None of this from you. How do I still want you?